...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
and you fell through a lawn chair
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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