I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
