Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
