If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize