Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
