I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize