It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
