Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
