I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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