have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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