you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
