Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
