I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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