Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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