I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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