The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
