That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
