So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
my being single is dangerous.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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