man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
