you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
