is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
