We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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