I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize