Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
