Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
