That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
