the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
