Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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