do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
