also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
