I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
