I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize