Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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