Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
