I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
