Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
