she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
