I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
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