I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
