I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize
