i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
