a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
false alarm. still invincible.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize