i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
