i wish starbucks made bloody marys
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
