i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
my liver is dry heaving
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
