So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
