and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
So squirting runs in the family.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
