I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize