did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
