After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
