I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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