Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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