Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
