Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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