so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize