i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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