and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
