he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
