I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
