I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
