I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
