Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
