Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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