Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
