im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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