I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize