I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
