im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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