Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
