I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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