Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
