mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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