I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
