Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
