Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
