There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
4 words: hood of his car
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
