I am in a vortex of obligation.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize