im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
